I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
