the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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