There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
