Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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