So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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