how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Randomize
