Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
