How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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