Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I need to calm my uterus...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
