On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
