I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I don't deserve a penis
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
