I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
