u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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