I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
