Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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