For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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