why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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