i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
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It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
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Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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