I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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