Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
