That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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