My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
