At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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