I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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