How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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