Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
