Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
