Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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