at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
