I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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