grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
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I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
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I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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