Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
