Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
