He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
