so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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