the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
