Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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