The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
