I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
