So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
