matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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