no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
