where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I fill condoms, not promises.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
