i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
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So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
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Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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