I want to have your abortion
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
