I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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