just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
