Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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