i already hear my dad disowning me
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
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Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
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I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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