she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
