god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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