The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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