Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
