Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
