It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
