my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
