there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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